DEFINITION: The quality of being ready and willing to face situations despite being afraid.

When I looked up the definition of this chapter's topic on courage, I wasn't totally 'feeling it' with regards to one reference of it being a response to a negative situation, so I removed that.   I do agree that dealing with something that scares you is what courage is all about. Of course, for the purpose of our time together here on the post, I will refer to the smaller in scale kind of scary and for the big ones, I recommend you work with a therapist to lean into those for healing.

The Little Scaries are somewhat like the “Oh I sure do want to be a lead singer in a band but I'm too scared to try it” kind of scenario. It might also venture closer to a big one like leaving a job or partner,  which are hefty endeavors with way more consequences but require courage nonetheless.

In my 40s, I first learned about the term 'learned helplessness' during a relationship. It was something I carried with me since childhood but didn't have the vocabulary until later in life. It is defined as a mental state where someone believes they are unable to change or control a situation, even when they have the opportunity to do so, and so they don't try. Martin Seligman, an American psychologist, developed the concept in the 1960s and 1970s. You can read more in his book, Learned Optimism and I highly encourage you to do so. It is a fascinating topic!

In my case, it was my then boyfriend who revealed his own struggle with not taking steps to deal with unpleasant things that stopped me in my own tracks. As I leaned into by becoming more self-aware about how this showed up in my life, it became abundantly clear that it was present in two areas of my life: money and health.

For example, visiting the doctor or dentist was something I avoided most of the time even when I wasn't feeling well. In those circumstances of acute discomfort, I would force myself to seek care but often added to my stress by not preparing in advance with an established relationship with a primary care physician so I was needing to make call after call to find the care I so desperately needed. I don't recommend this approach, by the way.

Admittedly, I haven't fully identified how I learned this ‘put your head in the sand’ approach to healthcare until this moment as I was writing these insights. I have memories as a child of not having care when I so desperately needed it. My mother had me hobble on a broken leg for weeks after falling from a tree and it wasn't until ladies at a hair salon pointed out that the pronounced black, green, and purple skin color was of great concern. A similar thing occurred when I had repeated episodes of inflamed tonsils. My mother would not pursue medical care for me until she was forced to.

I was quite young when these experiences happened so I was quite helpless since I was just a child. My guess is those lack of care experiences left the lasting impression that you don't seek medical attention unless it is really a bad situation. Wow. I just had a major breakthrough moment! 

When I reflect on the money side of things, the immediate thing that comes to mind is growing up in poverty. At times during my childhood, our homes didn't have reliable electricity or telephone service (this was before cell phones) and in some cases we didn't even have doors on our bedrooms. We often had iffy plumbing. Combined with my grandparent’s desires to only save and never spend, my guess is that my behavior of not being any kind of a saver in my young adult years and fear of ending up on the streets were a double whammy of The Scaries of the big kind, so whenever it came to talk a finances of any kind, there's no doubt of understanding why I avoided it at all costs.

Here's good news, Dear Reader: you can unlearn it. I've been working on my own stuff since that day learning about it and with that awareness I leverage to learn more and experiment with ways to change it.

It takes courage to be willing to recognize it and then take steps to change. I read so many different books over the years to help me and I continue to do so. Just recently, I started listening to an audiobook The Mountain is You by Brianna Weist and have been reminded how important it is to keep the learnings front and center still to this day.

My intention is not to fix my broken bits but rather be courageous with healing them because I know with care I can be healthier. When I'm healthier, I can be even more brave by taking bigger risks that help me live a big life, which is important to me.

Living is not easy 100% of the time and it is through the challenges we learn how to be resilient. Each one of those experiences helps us build our courage muscles. I have found baby steps work well for me as I venture into a new experiment.

“Nothing ventured, nothing gained’ as the old expression goes. To grow, venture we must Into the unfamiliar and with each attempt we expand even more. Consider something like public speaking when 99.9% of us are terrified of it. However, the more you do it the easier it gets and the less fearful you are when you do it.

I don't dare suggest we avoid familiarity at all costs, only when it prevents us from growing but one of the surefire ways to be more courageous is to practice and practice frequently, so whatever “it” is becomes more familiar.

Believe me, this is a big ask to be more courageous and the payoff is huge! I started a career as an actor in my mid-50s. I moved to a state, sight unseen, and created an amazing life here in New England. It took a little bit of courage each step of the way.

I gained a marvelous life by venturing into the unknown. Some efforts bombed and others created amazing adventures. So go out and have some fun and be brave while you're at it!

DEFINITION: Negative thoughts or assumptions that prevent people from growing and moving forward in their lives.

The next step in this journey is identifying ideas that are holding you back known as limiting beliefs. These nasty potholes must be patched up if you have any intention of reclaiming your dreams and wish to get to any kind of destination relating to those dreams that have been paved over or long forgotten.

LBs in short, are Insidious because you might not even take notice that they are quietly guiding you to avoid anything good in your life.

We learn these, mostly, during our tender years of childhood. Perhaps a well-meaning adult we looked up to said something to us through an unseen, unknown lens of internalized patriarchy which conveyed a message that because you were being raised as a girl, you're not allowed to do such things as climb mountains. Of course, that is total hogwash.

These messages are often veiled in earnest attempts to “keep you safe” but often come from the messenger’s own sore spot of fear. Sometimes, these messengers are not behaving with the best of intentions as well. I call them snipers. These folks are holding on to a great deal of pain and anger that remains unresolved for them, so in order to release the pressure of it, they will point it at an unknowing target. In the worst of these cases, this can be abuse, and if that is the case for you, please work with a therapist to help you understand and release those repressive experiences.

In my own case, my LBs were created by both types of adults. My grandparents held well meaning intentions to protect me from the whims of a parent living with untreated mental illness. They also likely carried generational pain from surviving the Great Depression. While they leaned into caring and protecting their own children during those days, there is some current day evidence that they did not fully heal from those days that were, no doubt, very traumatic for them. A case in point: they had an overstocked area in the basement of canned and paper goods in the event there was some other catastrophe and we needed beans or toilet paper to survive. 

I suspect that my unique way of living and sharing of great ideas and adventures with them were likely scary concepts to even contemplate, let alone support. Their protective efforts squandered some of my courage and daydreaming as a child. I recall an exchange with one of them in my young adult years as I explored possibly going to college that was quickly dismissed as something that “might not be for someone like me” due to my life circumstances. I've carried that message with me for four decades!

On the other side of LB Avenue, was my mother. My best guess leads me to believe that she struggled with several mental health issues. 

A mega LB she “gifted me” was the lesson on distrust. Our parents are the first humans we learn to count on and learn about trusting others, and when that is breached in traumatic ways it takes some effort to repair that damage. 

For example, during my high school years, my mother “stole”  several love interests from me. Yes, this is a horrific and traumatic experience for a teenage daughter to lose a boyfriend to her mom because she seduced them, so imagine the lasting mark it left on me when it happened three times! There's no doubt in my mind and heart that those experiences were foundational in creating an LB that I am not worthy of love because I learned that I simply don't have the sense to protect those precious relationships.

As I share these memories with you Dear Reader, I want you to know I am now at a place that my first reaction is for self-compassion and we'll talk a little bit more about that in a future chapter. Rest assured it takes effort to create that loving space for myself. It has been through my own efforts of self-awareness through therapy and self-led learning that provided reconnection to these former unhealed injuries which have now morphed into just tender bruises. They will always be with me because they are now part of me, but now I cradle them with care instead of poking at them over and over again to reinforce their invalidity.

Limiting beliefs are unavoidable but with effort, we can challenge them and dismantle each one of them. One way I continue to do so is to get really curious when I'm experiencing anger or fear or any kind of related emotion to those. When I get curious, I can likely better understand a little bit about why I might possibly be feeling that way and when I understand I can likely release it. A handy practice I use is the RAIN method by Tara Brach:

R = Recognize
A = Allow
I = Investigate
N = Nurture

First, you recognize what is happening by simply taking notice of it. Then allow it, except the feeling that is actually there and don't try to squash it. Step three is to investigate it by being curious with it using self-directed questions. The final step is to nurture yourself with compassion and love. This four-step process can be done in a matter of moments but the powerful effect is long-lasting.

When fear rears its ugly head, try using this approach to seek to understand it. It is likely during this investigative portion you may very well identify at least one LB that is underneath that fear. When I have experienced this I discovered it by not dismissing it but challenging its non-existent truth.

I now know that I was smart enough and worthy to go to college and I deserve to be loved. These are things I now say to myself in response to my own LBs along with a little self talk of ‘be gone, limiting beliefs, I am so over you!’. 

​Remember: You are always in the driver's seat.