The Ride - Compassion

DEFINITION: The feeling that arises when you are confronted with another’s suffering and feel motivated to relieve that suffering.

Ah, compassion. This is a challenging one because it is often buried, long forgotten, and under layers of stressful living.

When I think about this topic in the context of self-reflection, I am focusing on self-compassion which is not self-pity - no ‘woe is me’ for this broad!

As an overachieving, ambitious gal with, what I believe to be undiagnosed ADHD, I label myself as a multi-passionate creative, I drop a few balls and miss a few turns along the way and when I do, I can be my own worst enemy. I sometimes berate myself for messing up, not following through, breaking a promise, etc. But here's the thing, Dear Reader, we are human beings and one of our main jobs on this earthly adventure is to learn lesson after freaking lesson. This helps us grow.

Hey,  I don't like messing up and I suspect you will join me in that feeling, but it really is through our mess-ups we are given the biggest of life gifts. For example, I've messed up as a parent. I suspect way more often than I can count but what I have learned later in life is by first forgiving myself of all those missteps and then apologizing to my daughter. With practicing self-compassion, I often receive external compassion from her when I do make those apologies. Oh, the feelings! A true companion to compassion is forgiveness. I believe that you require it as the first step in the compassion journey.

Not too long ago, I started evaluating my ability to show compassion for others' pain and missteps. Admittedly, it has been a challenge as I navigate real feelings of judgment rooted in some painful spots inside of me. As I start with my own dang self, forgiving my own major mess ups, I have discovered that I now have more space in my heart to show grace for other people’s mistakes, whether as I perceive them or if they are indeed mistakes on their part.

It's funny how that happens. not in a laughy way but kind of an ironic way. I feel like the analogy of putting the oxygen mask on your face first is a good one that ties into this Insight that I'm sharing with you. As we start with our own darn selves, we build skills to do it for others and it makes total sense as I think more about it.

I recall a friend who borrowed someone's car and instead of putting diesel fuel in the tank, put unleaded fuel in the vehicle. In case you were not aware, that does not work out so well for the car. My friend was publicly embarrassed by the owner by causing damage to the vehicle. Because the exchange happened in a public space, I and others couldn't help but hear and feel the pain in the exchange. I simply put a hand on my friend's shoulder as I passed by in an act of compassion for his circumstances. The look on his face and in his eyes as I did it has forever stayed with me. It was though we both carried the pain in that moment, together, in that instance. I may very well have relieved him of the weight of shame on his heart. My friend never forgot it when years later he shared the same memory with me. Compassion does that. It stays with you for a lifetime.

Sometimes, leaning into inviting compassion can be a difficult task but it is also a step towards healing. When I feel unseen, that is a major trigger for me. My main go-to is anger and dismissal of the so-called offender from my life but time and time again, I am reminded of how much I do not know about the circumstances to warrant such a foolish cancellation. These days, I take a more compassionate approach by first using the RAIN approach that I mentioned in a previous chapter. I am also exploring a concept that I just learned about: counter responses. This approach is to look at other possible options in a situation instead of joining to the worst conclusion. This disrupts my usual process of jumping to immediate conclusions as a pessimist by simply asking and then telling myself, “You do not have the full story, Dennise. What else might be a possibility?.” This reads way easier on the page than in practice, but practice it must take. It can be a game changer!

I don't kid myself into thinking I can be compassionate about traumatic experiences but baby steps are helping me. I added this topic to the book because self-compassion will be key on your road trip to living your best life. You will make the wrong turn and you will pick the wrong destination at times, and this is a-okay, Dear Reader. It is a necessary part of the journey. It will be through those boo-boos that you will learn what not to do which means you are getting closer to what you want to do.

This journey will also bring up some memories of bad choices. This is not something that can be a redo, I'm afraid, but you can forgive and release it. So simple but not so easy. Since I love me a good ritual, I will use such things as a year-end cleansing ritual of writing it on a page and then tossing it in a fire. I also use my daily morning pages that I mentioned in an earlier chapter to help acknowledge and release it as well. Once I see it, I can feel it, learn from it, and then let it go.

Please also keep in mind that with any practice, repeating it over and over again is necessary because you are creating a new habit. One great resource for this is the book Atomic Habits by James Clear. As you move along, I encourage you to create your own mantra to remind you to feel compassion for your inevitable mistakes you will be making. Sometimes certain mistakes can remind you of your favorite times and often can be excellent fodder for storytelling, yet another way I process experiences.
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You may also want to recruit a near and dear trustworthy person in your life to help you practice building your compassion muscle. I believe our world could benefit from a global movement to reclaim compassion for ourselves and each other. Imagine the freedom all of us could experience when released from the burden of shame and loss of long ago. What a world it would be.
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RESOURCE LINKS
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Book - Atomic Habits by James Clear