The Ride | Limiting Beliefs

DEFINITION: Negative thoughts or assumptions that prevent people from growing and moving forward in their lives.

The next step in this journey is identifying ideas that are holding you back known as limiting beliefs. These nasty potholes must be patched up if you have any intention of reclaiming your dreams and wish to get to any kind of destination relating to those dreams that have been paved over or long forgotten.

LBs in short, are Insidious because you might not even take notice that they are quietly guiding you to avoid anything good in your life.

We learn these, mostly, during our tender years of childhood. Perhaps a well-meaning adult we looked up to said something to us through an unseen, unknown lens of internalized patriarchy which conveyed a message that because you were being raised as a girl, you're not allowed to do such things as climb mountains. Of course, that is total hogwash.

These messages are often veiled in earnest attempts to “keep you safe” but often come from the messenger’s own sore spot of fear. Sometimes, these messengers are not behaving with the best of intentions as well. I call them snipers. These folks are holding on to a great deal of pain and anger that remains unresolved for them, so in order to release the pressure of it, they will point it at an unknowing target. In the worst of these cases, this can be abuse, and if that is the case for you, please work with a therapist to help you understand and release those repressive experiences.

In my own case, my LBs were created by both types of adults. My grandparents held well meaning intentions to protect me from the whims of a parent living with untreated mental illness. They also likely carried generational pain from surviving the Great Depression. While they leaned into caring and protecting their own children during those days, there is some current day evidence that they did not fully heal from those days that were, no doubt, very traumatic for them. A case in point: they had an overstocked area in the basement of canned and paper goods in the event there was some other catastrophe and we needed beans or toilet paper to survive. 

I suspect that my unique way of living and sharing of great ideas and adventures with them were likely scary concepts to even contemplate, let alone support. Their protective efforts squandered some of my courage and daydreaming as a child. I recall an exchange with one of them in my young adult years as I explored possibly going to college that was quickly dismissed as something that “might not be for someone like me” due to my life circumstances. I've carried that message with me for four decades!

On the other side of LB Avenue, was my mother. My best guess leads me to believe that she struggled with several mental health issues. 

A mega LB she “gifted me” was the lesson on distrust. Our parents are the first humans we learn to count on and learn about trusting others, and when that is breached in traumatic ways it takes some effort to repair that damage. 

For example, during my high school years, my mother “stole”  several love interests from me. Yes, this is a horrific and traumatic experience for a teenage daughter to lose a boyfriend to her mom because she seduced them, so imagine the lasting mark it left on me when it happened three times! There's no doubt in my mind and heart that those experiences were foundational in creating an LB that I am not worthy of love because I learned that I simply don't have the sense to protect those precious relationships.

As I share these memories with you Dear Reader, I want you to know I am now at a place that my first reaction is for self-compassion and we'll talk a little bit more about that in a future chapter. Rest assured it takes effort to create that loving space for myself. It has been through my own efforts of self-awareness through therapy and self-led learning that provided reconnection to these former unhealed injuries which have now morphed into just tender bruises. They will always be with me because they are now part of me, but now I cradle them with care instead of poking at them over and over again to reinforce their invalidity.

Limiting beliefs are unavoidable but with effort, we can challenge them and dismantle each one of them. One way I continue to do so is to get really curious when I'm experiencing anger or fear or any kind of related emotion to those. When I get curious, I can likely better understand a little bit about why I might possibly be feeling that way and when I understand I can likely release it. A handy practice I use is the RAIN method by Tara Brach:

R = Recognize
A = Allow
I = Investigate
N = Nurture

First, you recognize what is happening by simply taking notice of it. Then allow it, except the feeling that is actually there and don't try to squash it. Step three is to investigate it by being curious with it using self-directed questions. The final step is to nurture yourself with compassion and love. This four-step process can be done in a matter of moments but the powerful effect is long-lasting.

When fear rears its ugly head, try using this approach to seek to understand it. It is likely during this investigative portion you may very well identify at least one LB that is underneath that fear. When I have experienced this I discovered it by not dismissing it but challenging its non-existent truth.

I now know that I was smart enough and worthy to go to college and I deserve to be loved. These are things I now say to myself in response to my own LBs along with a little self talk of ‘be gone, limiting beliefs, I am so over you!’. 

​Remember: You are always in the driver's seat.

I've created a cohort of motivated women who meet each month for 90 minutes to brainstorm ideas and support one another to bring those ideas to life. Here is what some of the participants have been saying about the experience as a member of The Success Circle cohort: "...sincere discussions...I find it motivating...time spent in the cohort was imperative for me to carve out time to reflect and set new intentions...thankful to have the space just for me and spend time putting myself and my thoughts front and center...we have a lot of fun!

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