The Ride | Sorry, Not Sorry

DEFINITION: Express regret for something that one has done wrong.

Please stop. Well, unless you have actually caused harm. Please do apologize in that case.

Not only have we women been trained to not only apologize for breathing, but to do so for others who have harmed other people. We simply must stop doing this. 

I started my own deprogramming about a decade ago and it will be a lifelong effort. It started by reading a book titled, Fearless and Free – How Smart Women Pivot and Relaunch Their Careers by Wendy Sachs. You can listen to an interview I did with Wendy right here. It was in the book I learned about how women can better support one another and later I read a book by Rachel Hollis called Girl, Stop Apologizing. It's so exhausting and unnecessary when we apologize for no reason. We are entitled to pursue our dreams, use our voice, say no, and be our true selves in this world. 

No apologies necessary.

Why the heck would I ever apologize for doing things that fill my soul, speak up for myself, use personal boundaries to protect myself, or being just who I am - so why would you?

It is really a bad habit each of us has taken on as readily as breathing and I challenge each of us to retrain ourselves. Start with simply taking notice when you say I'm sorry. The frequency of doing so will astonish you. Then look at the circumstances of when you say it and get curious about why you think you caused harm that warranted the apology. It is very likely you didn't cause any harm at all. The next step once you are self aware is to disrupt it. After the words leave your mouth and you do a nanosecond of reflection, take it back. Yes, literally, take it back. I've found myself literally pausing in mid-sentence just after saying “sorry” and saying out loud, “I take that back because I didn't cause any harm”. Talk about feeling powerful and it may even have a bonus service of inspiring other women to stop apologizing. I've gone as far as calling out those circumstances of being a recipient of an unnecessary apology by asking the person how she actually harmed me to warrant the apology. It is a fascinating exchange when that happens. Sometimes there is confusion but when that ‘ah ha!’ expression shows up on her face, it is another powerful moment.

Now let's look at the power of legitimate apologies. The irony is that they are often avoided due to fear.  Fear about potential responses to acknowledging the harm caused. shame that we may have possibly hurt another person.  There may be a smidge of arrogance that the other should just get over it already. Perhaps even a lack of awareness of your own behavior. I've dipped a toe in each one of these pools of missteps. I don’t like hurting someone and I don’t like the way I feel when I do. 

We don't learn how to say I'm sorry because of many reasons and our culture doesn't welcome such vulnerability. But let me tell you, a true blue apology goes such a long way for everyone involved. It can deepen a connection with someone and help you walk your talk as a decent, compassionate human being.

I encourage you to lean into this aforementioned experiment to see what you are actually doing when it comes to the act of apologizing.  I like to create some kind of container when I do experiments, so I recommend doing it for 30 days. Keep a journal or some kind of notebook close by to jot down some notes to reflect upon, including your own feelings around your efforts to disrupt the fake apology habit you may be doing. At the end of that month, read through your notes and take inventory of the ‘unapology’ actions. You may very well be blown away by how often you do it. And if you are brave, backtrack those actions in mid-sentence like I do.

You are entitled to be fully who you are and determine how you will be in the world. You will also learn and grow as you explore what that actually is. Apologize for missteps - not the actual steps you are taking to live your best life.