DEFINITION: The quality of being ready and willing to face situations despite being afraid.

When I looked up the definition of this chapter's topic on courage, I wasn't totally 'feeling it' with regards to one reference of it being a response to a negative situation, so I removed that.   I do agree that dealing with something that scares you is what courage is all about. Of course, for the purpose of our time together here on the post, I will refer to the smaller in scale kind of scary and for the big ones, I recommend you work with a therapist to lean into those for healing.

The Little Scaries are somewhat like the “Oh I sure do want to be a lead singer in a band but I'm too scared to try it” kind of scenario. It might also venture closer to a big one like leaving a job or partner,  which are hefty endeavors with way more consequences but require courage nonetheless.

In my 40s, I first learned about the term 'learned helplessness' during a relationship. It was something I carried with me since childhood but didn't have the vocabulary until later in life. It is defined as a mental state where someone believes they are unable to change or control a situation, even when they have the opportunity to do so, and so they don't try. Martin Seligman, an American psychologist, developed the concept in the 1960s and 1970s. You can read more in his book, Learned Optimism and I highly encourage you to do so. It is a fascinating topic!

In my case, it was my then boyfriend who revealed his own struggle with not taking steps to deal with unpleasant things that stopped me in my own tracks. As I leaned into by becoming more self-aware about how this showed up in my life, it became abundantly clear that it was present in two areas of my life: money and health.

For example, visiting the doctor or dentist was something I avoided most of the time even when I wasn't feeling well. In those circumstances of acute discomfort, I would force myself to seek care but often added to my stress by not preparing in advance with an established relationship with a primary care physician so I was needing to make call after call to find the care I so desperately needed. I don't recommend this approach, by the way.

Admittedly, I haven't fully identified how I learned this ‘put your head in the sand’ approach to healthcare until this moment as I was writing these insights. I have memories as a child of not having care when I so desperately needed it. My mother had me hobble on a broken leg for weeks after falling from a tree and it wasn't until ladies at a hair salon pointed out that the pronounced black, green, and purple skin color was of great concern. A similar thing occurred when I had repeated episodes of inflamed tonsils. My mother would not pursue medical care for me until she was forced to.

I was quite young when these experiences happened so I was quite helpless since I was just a child. My guess is those lack of care experiences left the lasting impression that you don't seek medical attention unless it is really a bad situation. Wow. I just had a major breakthrough moment! 

When I reflect on the money side of things, the immediate thing that comes to mind is growing up in poverty. At times during my childhood, our homes didn't have reliable electricity or telephone service (this was before cell phones) and in some cases we didn't even have doors on our bedrooms. We often had iffy plumbing. Combined with my grandparent’s desires to only save and never spend, my guess is that my behavior of not being any kind of a saver in my young adult years and fear of ending up on the streets were a double whammy of The Scaries of the big kind, so whenever it came to talk a finances of any kind, there's no doubt of understanding why I avoided it at all costs.

Here's good news, Dear Reader: you can unlearn it. I've been working on my own stuff since that day learning about it and with that awareness I leverage to learn more and experiment with ways to change it.

It takes courage to be willing to recognize it and then take steps to change. I read so many different books over the years to help me and I continue to do so. Just recently, I started listening to an audiobook The Mountain is You by Brianna Weist and have been reminded how important it is to keep the learnings front and center still to this day.

My intention is not to fix my broken bits but rather be courageous with healing them because I know with care I can be healthier. When I'm healthier, I can be even more brave by taking bigger risks that help me live a big life, which is important to me.

Living is not easy 100% of the time and it is through the challenges we learn how to be resilient. Each one of those experiences helps us build our courage muscles. I have found baby steps work well for me as I venture into a new experiment.

“Nothing ventured, nothing gained’ as the old expression goes. To grow, venture we must Into the unfamiliar and with each attempt we expand even more. Consider something like public speaking when 99.9% of us are terrified of it. However, the more you do it the easier it gets and the less fearful you are when you do it.

I don't dare suggest we avoid familiarity at all costs, only when it prevents us from growing but one of the surefire ways to be more courageous is to practice and practice frequently, so whatever “it” is becomes more familiar.

Believe me, this is a big ask to be more courageous and the payoff is huge! I started a career as an actor in my mid-50s. I moved to a state, sight unseen, and created an amazing life here in New England. It took a little bit of courage each step of the way.

I gained a marvelous life by venturing into the unknown. Some efforts bombed and others created amazing adventures. So go out and have some fun and be brave while you're at it!

DEFINITION: Negative thoughts or assumptions that prevent people from growing and moving forward in their lives.

The next step in this journey is identifying ideas that are holding you back known as limiting beliefs. These nasty potholes must be patched up if you have any intention of reclaiming your dreams and wish to get to any kind of destination relating to those dreams that have been paved over or long forgotten.

LBs in short, are Insidious because you might not even take notice that they are quietly guiding you to avoid anything good in your life.

We learn these, mostly, during our tender years of childhood. Perhaps a well-meaning adult we looked up to said something to us through an unseen, unknown lens of internalized patriarchy which conveyed a message that because you were being raised as a girl, you're not allowed to do such things as climb mountains. Of course, that is total hogwash.

These messages are often veiled in earnest attempts to “keep you safe” but often come from the messenger’s own sore spot of fear. Sometimes, these messengers are not behaving with the best of intentions as well. I call them snipers. These folks are holding on to a great deal of pain and anger that remains unresolved for them, so in order to release the pressure of it, they will point it at an unknowing target. In the worst of these cases, this can be abuse, and if that is the case for you, please work with a therapist to help you understand and release those repressive experiences.

In my own case, my LBs were created by both types of adults. My grandparents held well meaning intentions to protect me from the whims of a parent living with untreated mental illness. They also likely carried generational pain from surviving the Great Depression. While they leaned into caring and protecting their own children during those days, there is some current day evidence that they did not fully heal from those days that were, no doubt, very traumatic for them. A case in point: they had an overstocked area in the basement of canned and paper goods in the event there was some other catastrophe and we needed beans or toilet paper to survive. 

I suspect that my unique way of living and sharing of great ideas and adventures with them were likely scary concepts to even contemplate, let alone support. Their protective efforts squandered some of my courage and daydreaming as a child. I recall an exchange with one of them in my young adult years as I explored possibly going to college that was quickly dismissed as something that “might not be for someone like me” due to my life circumstances. I've carried that message with me for four decades!

On the other side of LB Avenue, was my mother. My best guess leads me to believe that she struggled with several mental health issues. 

A mega LB she “gifted me” was the lesson on distrust. Our parents are the first humans we learn to count on and learn about trusting others, and when that is breached in traumatic ways it takes some effort to repair that damage. 

For example, during my high school years, my mother “stole”  several love interests from me. Yes, this is a horrific and traumatic experience for a teenage daughter to lose a boyfriend to her mom because she seduced them, so imagine the lasting mark it left on me when it happened three times! There's no doubt in my mind and heart that those experiences were foundational in creating an LB that I am not worthy of love because I learned that I simply don't have the sense to protect those precious relationships.

As I share these memories with you Dear Reader, I want you to know I am now at a place that my first reaction is for self-compassion and we'll talk a little bit more about that in a future chapter. Rest assured it takes effort to create that loving space for myself. It has been through my own efforts of self-awareness through therapy and self-led learning that provided reconnection to these former unhealed injuries which have now morphed into just tender bruises. They will always be with me because they are now part of me, but now I cradle them with care instead of poking at them over and over again to reinforce their invalidity.

Limiting beliefs are unavoidable but with effort, we can challenge them and dismantle each one of them. One way I continue to do so is to get really curious when I'm experiencing anger or fear or any kind of related emotion to those. When I get curious, I can likely better understand a little bit about why I might possibly be feeling that way and when I understand I can likely release it. A handy practice I use is the RAIN method by Tara Brach:

R = Recognize
A = Allow
I = Investigate
N = Nurture

First, you recognize what is happening by simply taking notice of it. Then allow it, except the feeling that is actually there and don't try to squash it. Step three is to investigate it by being curious with it using self-directed questions. The final step is to nurture yourself with compassion and love. This four-step process can be done in a matter of moments but the powerful effect is long-lasting.

When fear rears its ugly head, try using this approach to seek to understand it. It is likely during this investigative portion you may very well identify at least one LB that is underneath that fear. When I have experienced this I discovered it by not dismissing it but challenging its non-existent truth.

I now know that I was smart enough and worthy to go to college and I deserve to be loved. These are things I now say to myself in response to my own LBs along with a little self talk of ‘be gone, limiting beliefs, I am so over you!’. 

​Remember: You are always in the driver's seat.

DEFINITION - The ability to be aware of your own thoughts, emotions, behavior and values, and how they impact yourself and others.

This is a tricky one. We are not taught how to be fully self aware, let alone to pause to be aware of our thoughts and feelings at all, and often we are told the contrary because thinking about ourselves is often considered selfish. I so disagree and as do many others.

As Plato once said, “The beginning is the most important part of the work”. We must start with ourselves because that is our true beginning, isn't it?

I know how challenging this is. I spent years avoiding any attempts to better understand who I was in the world in order to protect myself from actually looking at, and feeling, long buried pain, grief, and fear. But I found the courage along my own journey to look at these things with curiosity and compassion. This courage came from therapy and self-led learning through reading books and listening to podcasts.

Like many of us, I lived through some childhood trauma. In my case, my mother struggled with undiagnosed mental illness and I suspect, sexual abuse from her childhood. She was not equipped to practice healthy parenting and we kids suffered those consequences. I won't spend a lot of time delving into all the harm I experienced growing up, but I will likely share some experiences as they speak to the topics I will be writing about when it makes sense to do so.

Not looking at those experiences and then starting the process of understanding things kept me at a fork in the road, stuck, for many years. In my childhood, I didn't know this of course, I just wanted to be safe. But as I lived more years and discovered how I was in the world based on what felt important to me and how others perceived me, it became more and more the norm to learn how to be self-aware. Honestly, we can't live in our own bubble by ourselves for very long for obvious reasons. It is up to us to grasp the necessity, power, and beauty of understanding who we are in the world with a look at the inside and also how the outside world contributes to shaping us.

I highly recommend that if this is a brand new thing for you to look on the inside and you discover some really tender spots due to trauma, please work with a therapist because that support can provide the initial guardrails that you will need to start your journey. If you've arrived at a point using skills to help you with self-reflection, working with a coach would be a fantastic way to lean into it a bit more. I will also share some tips and resources at the end of each chapter that may also prove useful to start your engine of self-awareness.

Personally, I found the tool of writing daily morning pages to be life-changing. This is something that Julia Cameron, author of The Artist Way, created and I've been practicing it for several decades. If I happen to miss a day due to traveling or a full schedule, I definitely feel the loss. Do check out her book, but at minimum, Google the topic and I'm guessing you will find a plethora of explanations about how to do it.
It is in my daily writing that I can put my thoughts to paper, and look for a potential understanding of what may be underneath it. It's also a space to remind myself of my inherent worth that I sometimes forget on the tough days.

My intention is to be as fully self aware as I can be because, (1) it helps me live my best life experiences based on what feeds my spirit, not what displeases it and (2), to understand what I can put out into the world as it might help someone else to understand something they have experienced. I don't kid myself into thinking that it is my job to fix things for anyone else, only to be the best version of myself in these experiences. So here's the power that lies in this first step: by knowing yourself, you, too, can lean into joy, learning, connection, and to stop solving problems that simply do not belong to you. A good reminder:  we are only in charge of ourselves at the end of the day. Personal accountability and responsibility inform how we show up in this wacky world and that always starts with looking inside. Start at the beginning.

Personally, I have seen how my own missteps have caused harm due to a lack of self awareness around my mindset or emotional state. In comparison, when I do check in with myself by taking my emotional temperature, frequently, the experience proves to be much more invigorating in some way. The other side of that coin is what is long buried such as my dreams. By looking inward, I have found I could start excavating in order to reconnect with them. This is my favorite thing when it comes to this personal work!
For example, when I became a parent, so much of my identity was unraveled, some of which were very healthy to release. I was a smoker, for example, for many years, and it was deeply embedded in how some of my socializing took place. I wasn't in a stable relationship at the time, so the jarring unpredictability and lack of emotional safety were also contributors to it. Of course, tossing in all of the biological and hormonal chaos were also contributors of feeling uncertain and off balance. I recall days of feeling grief that I had lost chunks of myself in this new role or identity. I had no energy to look inside at things - that simply had to wait.

It was during an emotionally crushing time a few years later when I had to face the demons and the Scaries. Although at times I felt terrified to do so, it was through those experiences I was reacquainted with “me” once again, but a new version. It was due to that cracking of my existence that I was forced to figure things out and once that started, there was no going back.

It was because of that major life experience, I learned how to ask myself good questions by reading a whole mess of books like Broken Open by Elizabeth lesser. She is a profound thought leader whose wisdom in assembling others' stories with her own lived experiences shouted  words of encouragement for me to look at my own cracks in my skin of identity.

I've mentioned several ways that you can start this process but what I will stress as truly very important is to make sure you have what you need to feel safe and also know that this hard work will pay off.

This, dear reader, is the start of your epic road trip of your life and collecting some foundational understanding about who you are will fuel your sense of purpose and adventure. So take the first step by honoring yourself by knowing thyself. 
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RESOURCE LINKS

https://juliacameronlive.com/the-artists-way/

https://bookshop.org/p/books/broken-open-how-difficult-times-can-help-us-grow-elizabeth-lesser/8538810?ean=9780375759918

Location: Boston, Massachusetts
Date: November 2022

After a particularly long travel day and late arrival time, I opted to spend the night in Boston before heading home after a big trip. I recall a perfect sunny day a few hours before a friend was scheduled to pick me up, so I took a walk near the hotel and came across this architectural marvel, the John F. Kennedy Presidential Library and Museum. 

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Location: Unknown
Date: August 2017

This girl loves flowers. Each day, I take a morning walk and during the warmer months, I am always stopped in my tracks by beautiful blooms. I take so many photos, I have no idea where I took this photograph but seeing its delicate features up close reminded me of how precious some true miracles can be. 

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Location: Boston, Massachusetts
Date: January 2025

She will always be my baby but what a young woman she has become. My darling daughter, Lila, is a world traveler, fearless performer, and the love of my life. I took this photo when she returned to Scotland, where she attends University of Saint Andrews. No matter how old she is, I cry when she leaves. What can I say - she will always be my baby. 

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Location: Jamestown, Rhode Island
Date: December 2020

One of the reasons I moved to Rhode Island - sight unseen - was its proximity to the ocean. Being near the ocean is a very important thing after living almost three decades in Oregon and visiting the coast. There is nothing like the salty air, crashing waves, and when you are really blessed, finding treasures from the sea. It was during the pandemic year that I ventured down to Beavertail State Park. Free access to the ocean, which can be ironically a bit challenging in the Ocean State.

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Location: Paris, France
Date: February 2018

It was on my first trip to Paris that I had the opportunity to visit the Basilica of Sacré Cœur de Montmartre in Paris and it was breathtaking. It was well worth the climb to the top of Montmartre because once done, you can see the whole of Paris. I also was blessed with an apricot sunset while I was there that served as a backdrop to another iconic Parisian landmark: The Eiffel Tower.
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